I haven't had a moment to sit down and write and I'm coming to terms with my more chaotic rhythm. As a new(ish) mom who works from home and runs her own hours, I'm finding that I can have certain routines put in place for me and baby girl for a few weeks but then she hits milestones and our whole world topples over. Every new step, every bit of growth becomes the most amazing thing for her and she just inhales everything that is in her surrounding. Her excitement is infectious, and yet it means that I just have to put everything aside and join her. It's fun and it's exhausting.
I've had random thoughts about growing up, how painful it was for me to become a teenager when everyone else wanted a boyfriend and I still wanted to run around and play. I never stopped wanting to be a kid and it's fun for me to get back in touch with that side again. I've tried to reconnect with my more whimsical side through jewelry, but now there's this whole other experience I'm having.
I ordered her all these children's books, a variety of them from bilingual to pop-up to stories for when she's older, and I've been flipping through them lately. I cannot begin to tell you the joy they have given me. I love the illustrations, I love the hidden messages to children, I love how many of them try to emphasize culture and openness. How did we lose that as adults? Why do we become so strict and single-minded?
There's that phrase where you never want your children to grow up, and I do want her to grow up, but it makes me sad that society and schooling and most career paths discourage that sense of wonder in many of us. We become so distant from it, that we forget. Even in my own creativity sometimes I make it a job, I forget to just let go and have fun.
Lately, my days are centered around being a kid with my kid. I still have to do very 'adult' things like clean up after her, and do her laundry, and iron all of her onesies and surprisingly none of that bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm living between two realms, like I'm a kid but I'm also an adult which I think is what is making me the most happy about being a mother. I get to be both. Admittedly, I'd love to have a few extra minutes to create but that'll happen soon enough. For now I get to play. I get to do that thing that I've missed doing so much for so long, and the best part is that I have a best friend to play with and she happens to be my daughter.
Here's a photo I took the other morning that really inspired me. It's so light and fluffy and I really love the colors in this shot. Since I've been taking a photo class, I'm realizing that I've missed a lot of these moments. The pandemic made me appreciate them, but then I'm so focused on my daughter and trying to work that I forget to look around me.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading this.
Take care,
Caitlin