Disclaimer : This is a polished / revised version of my stream of conscious writing. The ideas, thoughts, proposals are subject to change and become something else entirely. I am constantly changing my mind as things develop within me and to adjust to worldly situations. My goal is to always be mindful about what I create in the moment.
Let's get into it.
On Grieving:
I haven't had a lot of motivation to do much. The only thing I really want to do is move my body which means going to the gym nearly every day, doing yoga, going for walks. My dad was one of the strongest people I've known, and he was proud to be that 73 year old out there working construction. I've always wanted to be like him in a lot of ways, so this is just one way to do that. I want to make myself strong to carry on his legacy. I also remind myself that my dad always loved strong women.
Grieving is weird. You become so unmotivated that you actually get bored, yet nothing inspires you. But grieving also feels very fearful. After witnessing such an intense dying process with him, I feel like everything scares me. Every decision feels life or death, because I was just put in a position to be making life or death decisions for him. At times, I find myself overwhelmed with a decision even though it can be such a tiny decision, but I've had a few restless nights as a result.
The news obviously doesn't help. Our current "leaders" are actively trying to instill fear and I've been trying to figure out how I can show up in the world in my current mindframe.
One way I've been telling friends is how I want to appear fearless. It's a way of processing the grieving of my father while also showing up in a world where they want women to shrink and hide and become less of ourselves.
Lately, I've taken to social media to show the styling of my jewelry. I don't have to get personal about my life on there, but I do want to appear confident, fearless and use their platforms to do it. While I'm proceeeding with caution, I'm frankly tired of watching things being taken away from us (as artists and as women) so abruptly. I had to witness the abruptness of my father's life being taken away, and now I'm witnessing it with everything on the news. I'm viewing this as a subtle protest, a way of saying 'you can't bring me down, and I'll be fabulous while I'm doing it.'
Again, my father loved strong women.
So, here's to the subtle protest, and here's to becoming a bit of a mischief-maker. I'm hoping to become inspired to be louder and prouder of who I am and to use creativity once again to dig deeper in that protest / counter-culture side of my personality.
Thoughts on Jewelry:
I don't have much in me to make jewelry and I've had big questions about how I want to move forward. I'm searching for ways to simplify everything I do and focus on what brings the most joy. I'd love to focus exclusively on art jewelry, even if that means making only 2-3 pieces a year. Who knows. The death of a parent kind of presents these big questions and thoughts, and I have no idea where I'm headed next.
I'm actually looking forward to allowing the inspiration to strike when it wants, and to work at a drastically different pace. Since 2021, I've been becoming more and more disenchanted with the process of making jewelry. It's been a slow feeling that has grown larger and larger over the years and I've done a lot to suppress that feeling by reinvenitng myself and rebranding the direction of my jewelry.
When my dad died, one of the first things I said to myself almost immediately was, "I don't want to make jewelry anymore." It was something I never wanted to admit to myself because I had held on to this identity for some years here. But it's weird, I feel like when he died, the desire to make jewelry died with him.
The reality is that I just don't want to make jewelry the way I have been. I don't want to do it to appease the industry meaning I don't want to do it commercially anymore. I don't want to make the stud earrings just so they match a tiny pendant. I don't want to do complete collections just so everything coordinates. I don't want to do much of that anymore.
Life is too short, and it can be taken away from you at any moment.
I really want to do the pieces that have a story. I have loved studying history, finding ways of bringing it to a current situation to reflect on what's going on in the world and give our worldly problems a context.
I think for the most part, many of you understand that I'm a maker who plays to the beat of her own drum and that's why we've connected through my work. Thank you for allowing me to grow and change and grieve and question everything that we're told to do as artists, as women, or even question myself. It's all a part of it.
Right now, I'm patiently waiting for an idea to strike. Take care of yourselves for now.
With love,
Caitlin
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